You are the one person I know will appreciate this- and I'm aware that its nearly 5 am- but I have 3 words... G spot orgasm. BE JEALOUS
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
The economy cant be that bad, I willingly got fired to bang her again.
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
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