I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
I asked her if she had any t-shirts of bands that didn't suck. I got a Sublime shirt and my answer.
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
You are literally throwing a tangerine right now. Beer pong is not played this way
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
i am bringing shame upon my ancesors with my weak liver valhalla will never accept me
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
Yea...Let's just say I gave her the best 3 and half minutes of her life then she took a 40 minute cab ride home that she paid for...
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
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