Hot guy, man whore rep, huge crush, alcohol that will fuck you up. I fail to see how this could go wrong
Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
You puked on the bar then proceeded to walk out. I told the bartender some girl walked up, puked and left and he gave me a free drink. Hope you got home safe.
I think he just tried to put your boyfriend in a trashcan....
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
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