your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
The night began with "let go home early so we can study for my 9am final" and ended with "show me your boobs for a free pack of gum".My breasts are worth 14 sticks for a dollar.
I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
Randomize
