I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
My Grampa even called her out for being a cock block at the bar...it was that serious
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
And then I went through the chix filet drive through for breakfast in all my republican post sex glory
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
Whats a little naked between friends. Just don't laugh or I'll be scared for life.
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Randomize
