She's like a coupon for free blow jobs. No purchase necessary.
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
Just finished texting the 27th male name in my phone that i don't recognize. none of them were the hott kid i made out with last night. the search continues.
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
3pm strippers are depressing
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
I'm a girl who met my last three bfs in gay clubs. Think I'm doing something wrong?
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
there is puke in my bra ... again
Randomize
