It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
Dude, we totally smoked up inside a church organ last night. Add this to the epic list.
Um he just came into the kitchen naked to get her purse or something?
Hes screaming about Slender man. whatever hes on is probably not healthy.
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
too late I already started a fight with someone named luscious
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
There's something sensual about taking off a pair of socks.
Randomize
