They were so loud I wrote them a sex critique and taped it to his door.
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
BEER BONG IN THE STOCKROOM COME IN TO WORK TODAY
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
also I was promised more toga parties by popular media
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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