The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
woke up to find a pram in the balcony. first thing we did was look over the edge!
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
is he apposed to sex in general? or just porch sex?
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
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