..now you can marry chaz and be in cher's family..
yeah n i dont have to pretend to be into chicks to do it now...
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
Well you just missed the ten chi o pledges singing la bamba at our doorstep.
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
I don't like sad things. I do like drinking though
It's like a double rainbow in both sides of the sky mixed with The Jeffersons.
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
Is it ok that I asked him half way through sex why he hadn't accepted my friend request yet?
He fucked me while I was smoking his blunt. His apartment was trashed and he drives a van that looks like it’s been hit by a train but still 10/10 would fuck again.
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