So now everyone thinks I don't know what a condom is
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
My dick was almost in plain McDonald's sight
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
You ninja crawled over five sleeping guys to get in my room at 6 in the morning to wake me up for sex
...and I think that may just be my favorite moment in our fuckbuddyship
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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