Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
Ran into him today. He apologized via facebook. sometimes I hate our generation
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
Giving you good advice and being naked are not mutually exclusive.
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
However many condoms you have, it isn't enough.
Is it wrong to want to use the Dark Web to buy Vyvance for legitimate purposes?
Randomize
