hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
i just woke up in the hallway. not my hallway. i officially raise my hand to be DD next week.
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
I just want to have weird supply closet sex with him... and then I'll be all set. Fired, but all set.
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
we were running around the halls trying to bloodhound search out the source of the weed smell, but we ran into six other people doing the same thing, and they all said they assumed it was us.
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
Randomize