I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
oh great. the only prospects for sex left for the night are douchebag in the ed hardy shirt & frodo-looking ass
fuck it... i'll be the lord of his rings
An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
Hot freshmen.....hot freshmen chicks everywhere
You say this every welcome week, bro.
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
