Bea Arthur died yesterday
You shut your stupid mouth
Betty White is next, I just know it.
Betty White will never die! She's like Dick Clark. Rue McCalahan is next.
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
We totally just fucked in a closet. These vacations with his family are causing creativity I never thought I had.
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
We HAVE another bedroom, it's not like I was gunna chain you into the closet. Often.
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
you poured beer in your mouth so you could be a beer pong cup for her to drink out of/make out with
Did it work?
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