He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
1. my parents still have sex. 2. being a screamer runs in the family. 3. so much so that i can tell what number of orgasms she's on. 4.so looks like i'm stuck outside a while
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
You had a hat of bras. Probably a good dozen, which is totally impressive for a Thirsty Thursday
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
Riding your boyfriend's dick for an hour then waitressing for 8 hours. Would not recommend.
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
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