Umm I'm too high to move.
WTF YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?
Oh yeah that.
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
ex-cheerleader. ex-gymnast. ex-dancer. i dont even know who to go for tonight
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
Girl in my public speaking class just gave a speech on weaves, God I love community college
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
he tied his pants around my leg to stop the bleeding... i think he just wanted a good excuse to take his pants off
well did it work?
it was a success in both ways.
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