did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
IM NOT LETTING YOU PEE ON ME IF THATS WHAT YOURE GETTING AT.
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
Dignity is for republicans.
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
This girls ass literally just fell out of her jeans in front on me on the escalator. Going commando on a Monday morning is a bold move.
Randomize
