textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
just thought you should know that she got home at about 6am.... totally wasted. she was locked out and when i finally came to the door she was on a patio across the street with some random making hotdogs on somebodys elses bbq.
So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
Think I can pull off edward 40 hands before class?
You might end up in the wrong class.
I'm a COM major, they're all the wrong class.
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
well i mean, we just followed them into an alien and astronaut party. there was tin foil everywhere
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
I cannot believe I accepted his penis into my body.
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
Randomize