I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
Well you broke that rule when you put it in your mouth.
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
Ok... I'm a little jealous... Grab her pig tails and ride her like a jet ski. Making motor noises is optional.
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
I just woke up with a pair of handcuffs in my pants, can u explain this?
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