Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
I was in the shower, he came in, had me give him a blow job, and left. I'm pretty sure I was just booty called. While taking a shower.
She is singing the swedish chef song and throwing utensils. I love this place
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
Randomize
