New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
You all can go fuck yourselves. As far as I'm concerned, don't come back to karaoke.
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
he also bled all over my floor. unrelated to cats but true nonetheless.
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
Randomize
