I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
I wanna say I regret bonging a beer while having sex with Mike, but it helped me get thru it.
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
Randomize
