U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
you think she would figure it out that ever dude that fucks her is just doing it bc they are in a contest to bang the fattest girl
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
Yeah got a self inflicted broken nose.
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
Randomize