you screamed 'he won't go on a date with me, but he gave me a free junior chicken'
well imagine, me dating the manager equals free junior chickens for everyone
I think thats the most anyones ever pregamed for rollerskating
And i generally try not to roofie people when I'm in a committed relationship.
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
last night we were having sex and i didn't care if i got off. i was just holding up my hand behind his head so i could look at my new ring. i think he knew.
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
as he was fingering me, all I was thinking about was how lucky his girlfriend is...
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
Randomize
