I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
Well regardless of which drugs we choose to do tonight until four in the morning, we are having a wii bowling championship. So choose carefully.
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
Night just started and I've already seen a woman headbutt a brick wall. Unintentionally. Epic to say the least
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
orgasmnado...tomorrow night
That's what I'm talking about
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
Just spent the morning washing Bailey's and Guiness out of my clothes -_-
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
Randomize