I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
Just had another dream about being on Real Chance of Love. I think it's a sign.
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
I fill condoms, not promises.
Just found out i over drew my checking account on a 711 hot dog
Do u remember buying that
I remember eating it on the curb like a drunken hobo
Also I've come to learn that "type" and "fetish" are different things. Apologies for earlier confusion.
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
He told me he sees me like a sister then 10 mins later tried to make out with me.
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
Randomize