this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
I told him his only options were from behind or me on top. I was not about to mess up my $80 blow out before graduation.
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
Just FYI....you totally yelled out Royals while we were having sex last night lol.
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
