Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
So all semester this guy and girl have been talking, and today is the last class and we are doing nothing. I would have skipped but I want to see if he seals the deal or pusses out. It's like a season finale.
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
It's very finicky. Like baking. or BDSM.
Randomize
