Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
Giving the kids Children's Claritin and calling it candy.....Is it setting them up for drug abuse later?
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
Sorry about my life...
Hi. Tara tells me your sandwiches and stamina are substantial
Randomize
