I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
I guess my vagina missed him because it called and left a 5 min. message. Color me impressed
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
So when I walked out, everyone was chanting ONE OF US, someone draped a lei over my head, and then she grabbed my ass and dragged me back into the bedroom. I'd say it was a pretty good night to lose my virginity.
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
I'm just really glad SD weather is so erratic so I can get away with wearing a scarf in May to cover up these hickeys.
Randomize
