How was Slumdog? Did it pull your heartstrings?
It was entertaining. Better than most other Mexican films.
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
So apparently the christmas orgy was a complete disaster
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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