Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
He showed up drunk to my cousions HS grad party, we stayed at the bars till 2, then he got up at 5 to run a half marathon and by the time I woke up wlhe was already back and drinking.
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
Randomize
