I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
I WANT MY VAGINA TO POUND AT NICE THINGS.
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
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