I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
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