What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
currently waiting for her to check in on Facebook, the second she does I'm there. someone is getting laid tonight
I'm not stalking, she is pretty much begging me to come find her if she checks in
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
She deliberately backed into the homewrecker's whoremobile and yelled ""FOR SPARTA!"
He said you asked to eat pepperoni off his dick and he thought it was weird
I mean I thought it sounded fun
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
Randomize
