I puked a lego.
I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
he says he is going to get you very high and make you leave the country with him
possibly by boat
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
Randomize
