eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
Yah, I definitely wouldn't wanna be fingered with a fake arm...
i swear to god even though i took those meds before coming here i did not hallucinate zulema silently throwing up into a breakfast burrito
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
He ordered three small pizzas while I was giving him head.
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
Its one thing to reject me, but to reject me AND my hottest friend AT THE SAME TIME!?!?
Randomize
