I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
So, I was thinking... Since this restraining order doesn't go into affect until monday, that leaves us 5 days to wreck his world.
It was horrifying, i havent seen a girls mouth open that wide since that one episode of Goosebumps..
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
rolling absolute tits, turn on the red lights for when i get home.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
I DON'T EVEN KNOW ONE MINUTE IM SITTING HER THE NEXT IM FLYING PASSED THE MOON
PISSING MYSELF IN ZERO GRAVITY
THOSE AIN'T STARS U SEE TONIGHT GURL
While we were having sex he asked me if I wanted to get wingstop after. I think I found my future husband.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
So, if you were also having sex around 11pm, then we were legitimately being penetrated at the exact same time. That is amazing. We are soul sisters.
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
But I’m still curious to know... how did the homemade porno go?
Randomize
