don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
you were leaning up against the wall pulling your shirt up asking girls to dance on you. your courage to do that is both admirable and frightening.
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
Nice. I like it when Maker's Mark makes decisions for you.
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
Randomize
