evidently tequilla and lady gaga make me flirt and grind shamlessly with other men infront of my boyfriend.
he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
Taljing aboutpenisrs w gerruly ska pops
yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
Heated debate on which is worse. Pissing your pants or puking all over yourself
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
Germany has fetish clubs for everything. We are going to Germany. Germany is our friend.
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
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