I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
My boss' voice literally gives me gas
Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
you should give me head with plastic fangs in
he said no sex till date three. i said the party was one, mcdonalds two and that i would take him with me to buy cigs for date three.
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
juast therw a cheeeeesestirng over the fnce. stuckit to sombodys car winheild... gonna luagh if i find it mlted in the mrning.
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
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