I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
and all i could think was, am i really about to have sex with someone who still thinks that pee comes out of the actual vagina?
I really need to stop carrying a flask around with me in my backpack at school..
Aren't you in 8th grade?
9th, but that's not the point.
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
I threw up all of my purple drank and thats really important
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