I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
Any time before 12:00pm. Can go fuck itself.
we need a dd. For wednesday. At lunch. What are we doing with our lives?
succeeding
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
Also, it was so cold in that bathroom that I saw my crap steaming, a first in my life
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
if by making eggnog you mean drinking all the spiced rum, then yes, she's making eggnog
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
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