The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
i think my tv is drunk
he just asked me if he could show me what he wanted to do to me using his action figures. where do i find these freaks?
There's sex hanging in the air like a pinata. European people are no joke.
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
Randomize
