when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
Isn't that the only thing she's good at? Complaining and blow jobs?
she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.
1. my parents still have sex. 2. being a screamer runs in the family. 3. so much so that i can tell what number of orgasms she's on. 4.so looks like i'm stuck outside a while
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
Randomize