Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
I just put on my hot pinky lace thong... you know what that means! ;)
Oh god. Slutty you is on the run. Someone needs to alert the city.
My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
she stopped mid-blowjob to explain how to acheive the haircut shown in the movie
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
Randomize
