Eric said he heard us having sex the other night. He said i did a great job.
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
At victory brunch. Have a decent story. Im now eskimo brother with the duke mens basketball teams from 2002 to 2008 and obamas right hand man
I'm eating dry tortillas on a mattress without a sheet. and i thought my life would change after graduation.
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
Dude, she's the greatest salesman alive. she convinced chelsea to buy a box of Cheerios for $20. She can find your dick some willing pussy.
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize
