my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
i just shoved 27 marshmallows in my mouth
well thats a nice change of pace from what you normally put in your mouth
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
I think it may of been me pulling down my pants is why she walked away.
That boy has a whole ocean of crazy lying just beneath the surface waiting to rise up, he's like the tar sands of crazy
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
I just don't remember. It's like I went to bed on July 3rd.. and woke up on the 5th. Nothing.
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
Randomize
