Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
Needless to say Beer Gardens severly frowns upon playing flip cups with real glasses.
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
Was that your vagina? Received a text pic from a number I didn't recognize. Shaved, so no hair color cues. But it looked like your lips.
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
he wouldnt let me in bed until i took off all the stickers i was covered in
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
LOOK AT HOW SMOOTH THIS BITCH IS
Randomize
