Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
OK am i seriously the only one who thinks Cocaine Tuesdays is a bad idea?
Hahaha wear something that says i'm here to party but wont go farther then a handjob.
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
FridayRule: If it takes you longer than 5 minutes to find a parking spot, you don't have class today
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
It's a lube slip n slide down the hallway now. Details later.
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
he is sitting in the driveway by himself laughing at nothing, idk what to do
I don't know what to say to you.
I don't know what I said to you. Start with that.
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
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