My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
You challenged yourself to walk backwards all the way to the bar... And you did
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
Nothing like an alcohol-fueled, 6-hour-long hunt for weed--complete with occasional breaks for sex.
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
Randomize
