Why don't you ever send me any naked pics
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
This guy just brought his piggy bank into the bar with him. Talk about corruption of childhood.
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
It's a piss down the stairs of the hotel kind of night
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
girl pulled up to the stop sign, got out, threw up all over my hood said happy thanksgiving then drove off
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
Randomize
