for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
I know I'm not learning anything when I can't even spell the name of the class I'm taking
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
I want to hump her dimples until her face caves in.
So many issues. You honestly need help.
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
See! Theres potential!
Oh yeah. All good relationships start with a threesome.
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
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