I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
Its the Friday before break. There are 20 kids in my 300 person lecture hall. All with the same what the fuck am I doing here look on there face.
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
Is it morally wrong to give today's hookup a Krispy Kreme from yesterday's hookup or is it just fat love?
I found pix on her phone of me passed out and her sticking things up my ass. Its over.
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
Randomize