Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
Yea. I couldn't get a job in fast food but I can teach Americas youth. The future looks great
Question: would Brian be pissed if I brought his 17 year old sister as my date to the wedding?
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
OMFG I JUST SEARCHED DILDO ON THE WORK SHARED AMAZON ACCOUNT!!!!!
we were waffle house and a lady told me her imaginary friend was sitting in the chair next to her. i don't feel so trashy now.
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
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