First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
Just boiled hotdogs in bongwater. NOT a good idea.
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
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